Archive for the ‘Ramblings from a Tired Menopausal Mom’ Category

As Short One A, Short One B and I traveled down the freeway to grandma’s house for the weekend, I turned on the radio and scanned until I found one playing some great rock and roll. Guns and Roses blared about their sweet child, and suddenly I was twenty years old again. The sky was no longer black as night but deliciously blue and the sun shone on my un-wrinkled body with its warmth.

Suddenly, the world was an open ball of exploration, and I was the female Columbus.

Following G’n'R, and my unabashed singing as the girls in the back stared at me as though I had grown a second head, Van Halen’s tunes blew through the speakers with ease. I was at a hotel then, twenty something, drunk, ready for the concert to begin. Then I was there, singing about ice cream men. Ogling Eddie. Ah, Eddie.

 Eddie VH Pictures, Images and Photos

Then the bitch DJ came on, interrupting my back-to-youth time travels with this declaration. “That was a little Van Halen for you. Coming up next, some Pearl Jam, on the best classic rock station around.”

It was as though someone pulled the needle across the album. Everything stopped, including my heart. My foot tapped the brake unexpectedly, and I began to screech.

“Classic Rock? Are you kidding me! What does she mean by classic rock?”

From the backseat, Short One A said, “What’s classy rock?”

“Classic ROCK,” I yelled, “is music that used to be good A LONG TIME AGO!”

I stopped. Remembered.

Oh yea, that was twenty years ago, wasn’t it? “This is NOT classic rock!” I tried to emphasize, but the sizzle began to burn away and reality set in.

Sadly, I suppose it is classic rock.

You see, when I was listening to G’N'R back in the day, Seger and Floyd were considered classic rock.

You know, the guys who used to bring the house down but who, at that point, were older and, well, definitely not so attractive.

That’s where we are now, though, you see? Consider Eddie Van Halen. Back in the day, simply hot! Now? Well, take a look for yourself. Time has done to him what it has done to all of us - made us softer around the edges, fluffier and, well, wrinklier if you will.

 eddie-van-halen-14 Pictures, Images and Photos

Whitesnake, Great White, Motley Crue - these guys were the shit back in the day. Now, though, they are simply older musicians who, if they are still living the dream, are doing so playing in pool halls and convalescent homes. (That’s ok by me; when they lock me up in one of those nursing homes I want to know that Friday night’s dinner will be accompanied by a large glass of vino and the sounds of Jon Bon Jovi. I’m good with that!)

At some point, when I wasn’t looking, I went from listening to hard core rock and roll to Disney tunes and songs that had lines like:

Just a boy and a girl in a little canoe
With the moon shining all around

And, my friends, during this transition those rockers I loved were cutting their hair, getting married, and aging. Just like me.

I guess it happens to all of us.

And while this doesn’t make me feel any better about it all, I do wonder what Axl thinks when he hears himself being described as a classic rocker. Im sure, just for one second, he is back in his Camaro with the T-tops open, banging his head along in time to a tune about a girl with eyes of the bluest skies; and, for one instant, he’s young again.

For my classic rock friends, to times remembered. May this make you feel young again. (Oh, and I have to add the link, not the video, because my mom has dial up and if I attempt to embed anything into my post her computer may implode).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-AYAv0IoWI
 

   

I recall being younger, back in high school and even a bit later in college, and being terrified of appearing naked in public.

Step into a locker room and all I could feel was my heart pounding against my chest as I walked over to the bench and tried to take off my clothes and put on my workout garb without showing any part of my nakedness to the rest of the women surrounding me.

They, however, did not have this issue. By they I mean the older ones, the broads with boobs down to their knees. The ones you really didn’t want to see naked.

They let it all hang out, all over. In my space sometimes, even, and then, rather than cover up their C section scars and their sun spots and their rampant pubic hair they jiggled everything around and, gasp, spoke to me! “How are you today? Good workout?” in this self confident voice that I couldn’t believe.

I, in the meantime, attempted to cover up my private areas with my hands or towel or brush while averting direct eye contact.

What did they mean, talking to me while I was naked?

Then I had a baby.

I went through my ob/gyn appointments naked.

I lay out on the c section table naked, a group of doctors and nurses watching. I was even asked if I could allow an intern to participate in my second c section! I was hopped up on a morphine drip, arms strapped down, everything exposed under the bright white lights of an operating room. What was I going to say? “No, this really isn’t a good time for me?”

Then there were the enemas because, of course, I couldn’t ‘let one fly’ as my mother liked to say.

And the shavings.

And the catheter.

There was the breastfeeding, of course, and the problems associated with it, which constituted inviting in yet another stranger to wrestle my milkless boob into the baby’s mouth. Nothing like having some stranger twist and turn your boob as though it is a glob of playdough.

There were all of this stuff where, you know, I was naked as a jaybird in front of all of the world.

At some point, I stopped being nervous about it. I stopped thinking, as I stepped out of my panties, “Please let me have shaved today!”

I stopped worrying that my breasts weren’t as perky as they used to be. That my belly wasn’t as fit. I stopped thinking about that damn C section scar.

This morning I went to the gym. I stepped out of my bathing suit with pride. I didn’t hide anything. This is a mom’s body! I thought with pride. I have battle scars! I have survived!

While I was pulling on my shorts, my chest still exposed for all the world to see, a young twenty-something bombshell walked up and, of course, put her stuff right down next to mine. Her augmented breasts were perched high on her chest, her stomach was as flat as a board. They could have developed Barbie after her measurements.

She stripped right there in front of me, tossing aside her clothes as though she were sorting her wash. Then she turned my way, forgetting (or not!) that she was completely nude.

I lifted my hand to shield my post-baby breasts. She smiled a blindingly white smile and said, “Good morning! Did you have a great workout today?”

Okay, so last night my girlfriends and I, all in our upper thirties, gathered together to watch the season finale of the Bachelorette.

We were stoked. Sure it would be Jason, we were glued to our seats.

Then our friend revealed her thoughts. “She didn’t pick Jeremy. Jeremy and Jason are so much alike as far as being settled and where they are in life. No way will she pick Jason.”

Oh, of course she will, we said. She had to. Jesse is, well, he seems kind of young, right?

Maybe not so settled? He’s a pro snowboarder, not that there is anything wrong with that. But isn’t he the kind of guy you date? Isn’t Jason the kind of guy you marry?

Besides, her family loved Jason.

Yes, yes, it will definitely be . . .

Jesse?

Wow, I could have fallen out of my chair.

Oh wait, I did.

After I cursed a few times.

Jesse’s cute, he is, and I’m sure he is a great guy.

But still . . .

Then I realized the issue. Jason is older. Like me. Not as old as me. You know, hitting male menopause old, hair falling out old, hormones raging old.

But he is older. Has a kid. An ex wife.

Jesse, however, is young like her. He hasn’t been through the whole marriage and children process. He’s, well, fresh.

He can stay up late at night. He can go out and be adventurous. He doesn’t have a young one at home to think about, to consider.

Things change when you get married and have kids.

That I was confused and, well, a bit upset with her choice wasn’t a reflection on what a bad picker she was.

Instead, it was a reflection on my non-youthful age.

You see, once you hit old you stop thinking that the crazy carefree guys are attractive and instead you look more at the mature ones. The ones who will be there when the kid pukes all over your shirt in the middle of the night. The ones who have twenty bucks in their pockets at all times.

The ones who don’t say Rad in everyday conversation.

While Jason appealed to the girls at our table who were screaming at the television and trying hard not to spill our red wine as we shook our fists at the screen, I’m going to venture to guess that the younger girls around America, those in their twenties, totally understood and were shooting their fists up in the air in a congratulatory THANK HEAVENS wave when Deanne told Jason to get up off of his knee. (Interject here: Poor, poor guy).

My friend’s husband came into the room at one point. We chided him, said he just wanted to take a peek and see who was winning.

“Why do we watch this? ” One of the girls asked in a Cabernet infused self-reflective moment.

A while later the friend’s husband returned. “I figured it out,” he said, nodding excitedly. “You see, Bachelor is emotional porn to you guys, that’s why you watch it. Men, we need the visual, but ladies, you need the emotional.”

Ah, yes, need it like I need a nail in the head.

I said the last time, when the English dude picked the actress, that I would never watch the show again. I mean, come on, didn’t you see that one coming from the moment she got out of that limo?

I swore last night, when Deanne chose Jesse, that I would not watch it again. I was crushed for Jason.

But the day has worn on and I realize that it’s okay. She is young and I am old.

One day she will be old and she will understand my perspective on it all.

Jul
07

Sex and the City: The BAD!

Jul-7-2008 By admin

As much as I loved the movie (see my post Sex and the City: The GOOD!), I was REALLY PISSED OFF at the ending!

What the (*&)(*&C)*&)(&*)(E)((*&(*&, Carrie?

You are a smart woman!

First time, shame on him.

Second, third, fourth, fifth and twentieth time, well, shame on you!

There is no way this relationship is going to work. It wouldn’t work in real life. It won’t work in the movies.

He’s a SNAKE! I can’t stand this guy! I never have liked him (why, oh why couldn’t you have fallen for Aidan?!)

SPOILER for those who have not seen the movie!
I kept looking at Big during the movie and wondering just what she saw in him. Then he did the whole leave her at the altar thing and she mourned so much she didn’t get out of bed for three days at the honeymoon and . . . then . . . WHAT HAPPENED?!

Was it the poems? Shoot, anyone could have copied those down in an email. Maybe he should have SHOWN UP FOR THE WEDDING!

I was unhappy with Miranda, too.

I’m sorry, as a married woman who has been with the love of her life for twelve years now there is one thing I could never forgive: Infidelity. It shows such an utter lack of disregard for someone else’s feelings, thoughts, emotions.

I told my husband from the start that if he cheated on me two things would happen.

First, I would take everything he valued onto the front lawn and burn it.

Secondly, I would take what was left over and leave.

ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT!
Yet Miranda goes back.

I don’t know. I felt a little let down at the end of the movie due to the relationship factors. It seemed to me that they made it appear as though Carrie and Miranda needed those men in their lives.

What happened to those independent girls?

I get the point that they were trying to make about man and woman: Relationships are tough and you have to work really really hard sometimes and you have to deal with some things that you’d rather not deal with.

But you shouldn’t have to be shamed and then go back.

To me, this sends out the message that no matter what happens you should forgive and forget.

I don’t know, maybe it’s the hormones talking.

Maybe if it were me in those positions I would have made the same choices.

It was just a movie after all, right?!

Jul
04

Sex and the City: The Good

Jul-4-2008 By admin

I’m a big Sex and the City fan. Have been for a long time, so I was super excited last night when two friends and I got together to see the movie.

It’s funny. I loved it for some things, but I really didn’t like it for others.

Thought I would post about the good and the bad in separate posts.

The idea of friendship has been so strong in this series and still remains in the movie. These are the girlfriends with whom you do everything. I think you don’t really appreciate those types of relationships until you are older.

When younger, you can go from one friend to another. When older you realize how important it is to have a good friend or two with which you can share all of lifes ups and downs.

I loved the fact that this wasn’t a ‘fairy tale’ movie. You know, girl meets boy, they fall in love, all is right with the world. I thought it was so creepy when Mr Big was being so nice to her. Look, that’s not him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he’s a bad guy (you’ll have to read my THE BAD post to see what I think of him!) but I am saying that he was never ‘gushy’ like that. Never is going to be. Charlotte and her husband have struggled with infertility for years-another struggle that couples can relate to, while Samantha can’t seem to settle down and Miranda, well, her husband pulls a real low one on her.

Life ain’t a bowl of roses. Neither are relationships. I think we all go through ups and downs. I heard once that a married man of like 80 years said this about how they made it work for all of that time:
“Neither one of us fell out of love at the same time.”

I don’t think that you fall out of love, really. I think that you just go through phases where things are tougher than they are at other times,a nd you have to learn to recognize those phases and to understand things will get better. Now, if your bad phase lasts for a few years, that’s another story!

And of course the humor and the fun times and the fashion all rock! The shoes, ya! The bags, ya! Ah, even the nice little Mexican vacation. And what about Samantha’s neighbor? I can’t complain about any of these things!

Overall I loved the movie. Now, skip on over to the BAD post to see what I thought sucked!

Jul
01

They Just Grow and Grow and Grow

Jul-1-2008 By admin

I’ve spent part of this week cleaning out my youngest daughter’s closet.

We are finished having kids-she is our second and last. At eighteen months old, she is a beauty, a delightful chubby baby filled with sweet sugar and kisses and hugs.

Just typing about her makes me want to cry (damn hormones!)

Last night she had difficulty going to sleep. This happens from time to time. Normally she’s a great sleeper. Put her in her crib with her Eeyore stuffy and off she goes. She’ll talk to herself for a bit and then, boom, out she goes.

Last night was different. She cried for a while so I went into her room to hold her, to rock her to sleep.

It was then I realized how big she has gotten. She’s so long that I have to extend my arms wide, and she’s so heavy that I don’t know for how much longer I’ll be able to hold her like this.

It made me cry.

What happened to my little baby? My last baby? Where did the time go?

I find that now that I have babies, time flies. I’m getting so much older so much faster, and my girls are growing so quickly that I can’t keep up with them. They enter a stage and then, like magic, that stage is gone and another has come.

I want to stop time. It’s hard to watch it go. Life moves along so quickly, and then before you know it you are old and your bones creak and your children have children of their own.

Before long, you can’t hold your babies in your arms and rock them goodnight.

Now, that’s a tough pill to swallow.

So with my husband out of town my girlfriend and I decided to tempt fate and take our four kids total-her two boys, my two girls-to dinner.

We chose Soup Plantation. Now, if you don’t have one of these (or a Sweet Tomatoes) nearby, protest. This is the perfect place for the family to go (minus dad, since most men say they want MEAT with their meals).

You can graze along a very long salad bar.

You can sip some soup.

Kids get to make ice cream sundaes at the end of their meals.

It’s loud inside, there are no real waiters, and it doesn’t matter how messy you get or how long you sit.

So, off we headed.

Now, let me give you some background. Our oldest kids are very alike. In this I mean they have heads like bulls. They love each other a lot when they are getting along, but when they fight, fists fly.

For a while, we stopped hanging out because every single outing turned into a WWF match between my daughter and her son. And I wouldn’t admit this to just everyone, but my girl can hold her own! She’s a fighter, that tiger. If someone swings, she swings back, and while I don’t want to teach her to fight I do want her to know that being a doormat is not a good idea either.

We should have known things might go from bad to worse when we got into her car and headed off to the restaurant. From the back the name calling began. What is this with four year olds? The constant desire to :

A. Call names
B. Tattle

It’s killing me! So noonyhead and block head and turtle head filtered up to us, the ever tired moms, and we did our best to ignore it, stating, “Unless someone needs to go to the emergency room, please don’t tell us what is going on.”

This elicited a few giggles, then some punches.

In line at Soup Plantation our kids fought about who would go first. Then they took turns getting in front of one another. By the time we made it down that long walk of horrific children shame to the cash register, they were throwing punches.

Someone’s tray spilled and ranch dressing hit the floor in one congealed mess.

The manager raced over, grabbed the tray from my one free hand (the other cradled my one and a half year old, who would have taken off running across the restaurant-her new game-had I let her down).

People stared as we wrestled the two four year olds apart and herded them to our table. We separated the kids, a parent between each, and sat down to eat.

One Kid: “I want cauliflower.”
Another Kid: “Can I have more bread.”
One Kid: “Mine is better than yours.”
Other Kid: “Mom, he said his is better than mine. Well, I have more.”
Two Mothers: Rolling eyes, trying to ignore it all. Wondering, who thought this was a good idea?

We ate as quickly as we could, because that is what you do when you take kids to restaurants. You don’t so much taste your food as you do inhale it, quickly, without chewing, hoping that you beat your kid in finishing up the meal. Because if you don’t win, you are in trouble. They can get out of those seats, even when tied down with a belt, faster than you can swallow. And then they are gone.

Gone to the ice cream machine, if you are eating at Soup Plantation.

Once we finished our meal and were waiting to get dessert, the kids started shaking their heads back and forth as quickly as they possibly could. Our utterences of please don’t do that, you are making a disturbance didn’t stop them.

“Your brain is going to fall out on the table,” I uttered.

That made them pause.

We handed them wet wipes once the ice cream was gone. They wiped their hands and then began hitting each other with them.

In the meantime, we glanced around at the people in the restaurant who were trying to enjoy a good meal.

You can tell the ones that have or had kids at one point.

They are the ones with the look of pity in their eyes.

You see, they understand that you started off really just wanting to go out and have an enjoyable family meal. You wanted the kids to appreciate the fact that they were eating at a restaurant and then going to get ice cream later.

And maybe those kids that are older can appreciate this fact.

Four year olds really can’t.

They see Soup Plantation or any other restaurant as this huge entertainment park with lots of cool stuff that must be touched, felt or climbed upon.

The food, the dining out, the relaxation aspect of it is lost upon them.

Those people who have been parents, they gave us looks of pity, and we could see in their eyes the truth. You really won’t go out and enjoy a quiet, relaxing meal if you have young children.

Instead, you’ll have to break up fights, clean up spills and chase the young around the restaurant playing a game of hide and seek.

Then I realized last night, that is the joy of it all, right?

Perhaps we mothers are insane when we try to take our kids out for meals in restaurants.

But the insanity of it all really puts life into perspective.

After all, though those other diners may have been slightly annoyed by our noise and roughness, perhaps last night, once they got back, they laughed about the fact that my daughter scaled the restaurant wall in an effort to yank off a piece of the potted plant they had on display.

Perhaps, I suppose.

Jun
27

My Gynecologist is Hotter than My Body Temp

Jun-27-2008 By admin

I have to share this with you, women . . . my gynecologist is HOT.

He was recommended to me by some people online. Before I moved from my one So Cal city to my other So Cal city I posted on Baby Center to find a new gynecologist. At the time I was pregnant with my second.

I got several responses about the greatness of one ob/gyn in particular, so I called him up and set an appointment when we got moved.

Before I could get in to see him, I ran into another mother in the park one day. She asked who was delivering my baby and I told her.

“Ah,” she said, and a look of lust and longing came over her face. “He’s my doctor, too. He delivered all three of mine.”

I was happy to meet someone in person who had gone to the doctor since I had never met him. “How is he?” I asked.

“Oh,” she gushed, grabbing my arm and squeezing in that I’m going to tell you a little secret way, “He is HOT.”

Now, the last thing you ever want to hear right before going in for a pelvic exam is that your future doctor, the one who will be probing, is HOT.

I don’t want a HOT OB/GYN, I thought, recoiling. I want someone old and fat and ugly as hell. Someone who looks as though he hasn’t even considered having sex for the last decade at least.

Give me a gay man, for heaven’s sake.

DON’T give me someone HOT.

Well, all the way to the appointment that day I fretted. My husband was with me, since I was pregnant and he wanted to meet the man who would be delivering our second-born. I told him what the girl had said. Then I put on some lipstick. Just because, you know. You always have to wear lipstick when you go in for a pelvic, right?

I didn’t mention to him that I had shaved extra carefully that morning. That I had tweezed the little hairs that had grown in around my belly button after the birth of my first born.

That I had changed my underwear three times, choosing the small boxer looking pair, just before leaving the house.

When my OB/GYN walked in I about fainted. Hot was not the word for him. This guy was on FIRE. Light a match and he would have exploded. I felt my face flush.

Turns out he ’s really a great guy. I’m sharing all of this with you now because I just made my yearly appointment, the first since I’ve started experiencing these bitchy hormonal menopausal symptoms.

I’m already getting nervous about the visit. While I don’t have a crush on the guy-in fact, he’s really not my type, despite how HOT he is-I certainly do get a little queasy before I have to go in.

It’s been a year though. Hopefully he has lost some hair, gained some weight, or started liking men, much to the disdain of his wife and three kids.

A girl can dream, right?

Jun
27

While Daddy’s Away, Mommy Will . . . PAY

Jun-27-2008 By admin

So daddy has been out of town all week.

I knew it would be tough when he told me about it. Tried to swallow it down like a bitter pill (sheeyut! that was bad!)

Prepared for weeks mentally.

Stocked up on wine.

Made plans with friends.

You see, this is the key to keeping kids out of trouble:

KEEP THEM BUSY!

Don’t believe me? Just keep your kids locked in the house for a day with nothing to do, nothing planned and pay them no attention.

Then ensure you keep the phone on your hip at all times so when they set the place on fire you can quickly dial 911.

While daddy is away, mommy pays. That’s all there is to it.

I’m so freaking tired tonight I can barely lift my wine glass, and that’s saying something!

But this is what I love. Daddy calls at 6 PM. Laughing. Friends joking in the background.

Daddy: “Whatcha doing?”

Mommy: (To kids) “GET OFF OF THE FREAKIN KITCHEN TABLE!” (To dad) “Nothing.” Bitter. Very, very bitter.

Daddy: “Oh, well, getting ready to go play golf so I wanted to check in with you.”

Mommy: “Golf, huh? You mean with grown ups?”

Daddy: “Yes.”

Mommy: “I cleaned up three poop diapers today.”

Daddy, feeling the bitterness through the phone like a cold blast of air. “Oh. Well, yeah, I should go now.”

Mommy: “FINE!”

You see, mommy can never really keep in her hostility when daddy is out of town playing golf after attending a convention or other all day workshop while surrounded by grown ups wearing big boy pants and telling adult jokes and talking about grown up things.

Mommy tries. She does, she really does.

But mommy’s tired.

So tonight, I took a break. We went out to eat (which I’ll post about in another post entirely . . . it definitely deserves its own space).

We didn’t take baths.

Hell, I don’t even know if I got them out of their clothes before I shoved them into bed tonight. Brush their teeth? Yea, right. I’ve had them for a week by myself. Momma’s tired. Momma doesn’t live near grandparents or uncles or aunts. When daddy’s out of town, momma does it all. She becomes supermom who wears a big red cape and flies around town with two kids under four in tow like some sort of caffeined up freak.

When daddy’s away, mommy pays.

But when daddy comes back, mommy’s gonna make up for it.

Saturday matinee, here I come.

And I won’t be taking my cell phone.