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My oldest daughter has taken to calling names.

It goes something like this. “Come clean your room and we can go to the park.”

“I don’t want to clean my room, nooneyhead.”

Now, don’t ask me where she got that particular name (I’m guessing school) but for some reason it has stuck.

Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m mom, also known as Nooneyhead (at least four times a day, stated under breath and, sometimes, when she is very angry, at the top of her lungs right before she slams her door shut).

At first I ignored it. Isn’t that what they say? Ignore some things. Choose your battles. This is a strong willed girl. We have a lot of battles. Every day. Every hour of every day sometimes.

I chose to ignore this one because I had enough warfare on my plate.

Then it became to the point of ridiculousness so we started a reward system. Kind words=a quarter. A quarter times four or so equals a special prize at the store: new book, new doll, lollipop, depending upon what my pocketbook could take that day.

Yet the name calling persists.

Yesterday she had a temper tantrum. Her: “OKAY NOONEYHEAD!”

Door: SLAM!

Menopausal Mom (under breath, of course): “I know you are but what am I?”

Then I laughed. Laughed and laughed and laughed.

I know what you are thinking: How juvenile of you to say that, even if it was under your breath!

If that was your response then you must not have children, or at least children who are very, shall we say, spirited.

I know, too, that this response borders on the immature. What was that saying anyway? Seventh grade, 1980ish, feathered hair and blue glitter eyeshadow?

I probably wore leg warmers the last time I said that.

Shouldn’t Menopausal Mom know better?

I guess not.

It’s tough to raise kids. Let me tell you, they go from being cute and wriggly and pink to being defiant and difficult pretty quickly.

I wouldn’t trade any of it. Nor would I trade my girls. I love their little personalities, no matter how difficult they get to be.

Still, though, sometimes when punishments, rewards and ignoring doesn’t work I just feel like there must be something else out there to try.

And that, I suppose, is when I will have to resort to muttering really immature comments under my breath.

(Go on. Try it. I know you want to!)

Why is it that my four year old wants all this junk food suddenly?

And why is it that I find myself day after day giving her coins for good behavior and enticing her to save enough to purchase some of this junk!?

What happened to a year ago, when I could bribe her with a new toy, a new book, or just some special time with mom?

I hate teaching her that good behavior and working hard is associated with anything monetary and I really hate it if that monetary thing has a huge caloric and sugar count.

Ah, but I’ve fallen into a rut. A sugar rut, that is. I can’t seem to climb my way out of this high fattening bowl.

What will change it? Tonight we are working toward eating out at a restaurant. Oh, but wait, first, yesterday, I promised her a coin if she could do a good job this morning. No tantrums. Get ready for school. Be a good girl.

With those coins, she asked if she could have a Slurpee.

Now, this was after the kicking and screaming episode of Sunday, so I obliged.

No treats on Monday. If you are a good girl and earn enough coins you can buy a slurpee on Tuesday.

Now I’m stuck.

I have to change my way of thinking here or the dentist will be our best friend.

I’m becoming the mom I promised myself I would not become.

I may just have to move to the country, away from all 7-11s and ice cream shops.

Oh hell, who am I kidding? One slurpee versus and entire tantrum free day? Seems worth the trade off. We’ll deal with the sugar issues down the road, when she’s twenty five and can hold a valid conversation.

For now, 7-11, here we come!